Measuring Up

**Let me start off by saying that I debated even sitting down to write this post, and then once it was written I debated making it public.  Obviously, I decided to make it public - I think mostly for the sake of full disclosure.

It all starts as a kid - we want to have the coolest toys, the trendy clothes, we want to be "cool."  As a child, I wasn't the coolest, I got made fun of, and not everyone liked me.  But, for the most part I was pretty self-assured.  I was confident in who I was, it was okay with me that I wasn't part of the cool crowd, I enjoyed focusing on school and my family.  Despite that confidence, there were traces of the feelings of isolation in middle school and high school.

Enjoying camp with a great friend!

Don't get me wrong - I was still pretty self-assured, I had good grades and was proud of it.  I was on the swim team, and while I wasn't the best it gave me a sense of belonging to a group.  Those early mornings in the weight room and afternoons at the pool were probably what got me through high school without too many issues with depression.  Between swimming, school, family, and work I didn't have time to sit around and "feel sorry" for myself.    There were moments when I would wonder "what if I was thinner?  what if I had more to offer?"  but overall I was happy with my core group of friends and they gave me far more than I deserved.  I don't have photos of all of them to share here, but I hope they know how much their friendship meant to me! 

Representative of my swimming connections, but some of my besties are "missing" from this picture.

College was more of the same, I came into college ready to focus on my studies and I did just that.  I worked through much of my college career and had several amazing opportunities to travel (a month in Ecuador and a semester in Philly). I was lucky to be assigned to a quad full of wonderful girls my freshman year and we became fast friends.  I stayed close with  most of them through college, and even roomed with my freshman roomie for most of my college career.  We did alot of social stuff together, but the biggest blessing was having a group of girls who I could just "exist" with and who loved me unconditionally.  We didn't have to be at a party to have a good time -  just being in each others' company was enough.  They were a constant for me, they were like my sisters and I miss them dearly.  

While my semester in Philadelphia was amazing and I would do it again in a heartbeat, when I came back I wasn't myself.  I had an amazing internship experience while in Philly - it gave me valuable experience in the work force.  I struggled to take the positive feedback though and focused on the few constructive criticisms I received from one of my supervisors. Not to mention, I faced my first ever true personal conflict with one of my housemates.  It shook me to the core, I came back to college and felt like after a semester away I no longer had a place at college.  Outside of my fiance (we got engaged early in college), I felt like no one cared that I was home.

My dear friends did the best they could to help transition me back into "the Alma bubble" but it wasn't easy for me.  Thankfully I made it through my last year of college, thanks mostly in part to this important group of people.  They reminded me that they did care about me and still valued me as a person.  They gave me the confidence to just relax and be myself when I was with them.  It was something I needed after spending nearly every minute at "home" in Philly on edge.  

What's the point of all this?  I am trying to determine when I started to have so much less faith in myself and who I am as a person.  When did the simple "comparing myself to others" become me feeling like I will NEVER measure up?  I believe the lack of confidence developed during my semester in Philadelphia and my confidence just continued to deteriorate from there.  I had a bad work experience after graduating college - I was laid off for unknown reasons (it still bothers me that he didn't have a good reason to let me go- the guy gave me a beaming letter of recommendation even).  I fought my way through a tailspin of depression and found a retail job to pass the time until I got married.  

Since then, my life has been a blur. Got married, moved to Indiana, bought a puppy, had a baby less than a year after we were married, bought a house, had a second baby, hubby changed jobs several times and I have worked a couple of part time type jobs just to do something to keep busy.

Somewhere among all this I found the time to lose 125 pounds and take up running.   I have tried to be the best mother I could be, the fastest runner I could be, the best everything.  Unfortunately, it always ends up with me feeling like I just can't measure up to the people I see around me.  

Someone will always be faster.  Someone will always be thinner.  Someone will always have a better body.  Someone will always be a better mother.  Someone will always have more dedication than me.  Someone will always hate/dislike me.  Someone will always have more friends than I do.

I can't be the only one who has done it - looked longingly at someone else and wondered "Why can't that be ME?"  I know that these are unreasonable thoughts, that I am an individual and I should be proud of where I am now but there is still a part of me that just can't "be happy."  

Anyone have any pointers on how to center your thoughts on what you have accomplished?  How do you stop comparing yourself to others?  

A Visual Reminder

I had planned to post about my weekend run and the local running club's banquet today.  Instead, I spent most of my day doubting myself as a runner.  I have been dealing with some pains lately and its been making me wonder if I should just give up.

To counteract the negativity I was feeling I decided I needed to start looking into future races.  If I have a race on my calendar I will be less likely to slack off when i am feeling down.  So, I registered for a few small races today.   I am looking forward to the Fanny Freezer on February 11 - it was my first ever race when I started running last year and I am looking foward to seeing how I do this year!

Signing up for the Fanny Freezer caused me to start reminiscing, so I was browsing through my old race photos and such on facebook.  I came across some pictures that reminded me why I run, even when it isn't easy.

I may have shared some of these in the past, and if so, I am sorry!  Just, wanted to get them all in one place on my blog!


My "before" pictures.

Disney - Feb 2010 (and no, I am not pregnant!)

October 2010? 

This was after about 4-5 months of dieting

This comparison still shocks me

The Jan 2012 picture and the Sept 2011 picture above are about the same weight.  Wish I could say that I had lost more, but proud to be be maintaining for the most part. 

Yep, those pictures were all I needed to remind me why I run.  I run for my health, to be a better mom to my kids, to make sure I don't die prematurely from obesity related health problems.  I am so grateful for my success thus far and I truly feel blessed to have come this far.

Doubts, running, and new challenges!

I started my blog pretty late into my weight-loss journey.  I had been thinking it would be nice to have an outlet so to speak, a diary/journal of the struggles and successes I was dealing with.  A forum for me to share what has worked for me, a way to potentially motivate others like me.

Now that I have the blog I have to admit I feel a bit of pressure to make it something more.  I never realized how many bloggers were out there.  I read the blogs that others write and I get a bit green with envy.  I want so badly to be witty and amusing like they are.  I don't know how to write other than to lay it all out there on the line.  And, quite frankly I am not the most amusing person, I live a pretty boring life.  I don't know what to write about that will be interesting to my readers.  I wish that I was better and sharing my advice and successes with you all.  I am trying to get better at it, so please bear with me. 

Onto the running portion of my blog... I am supposed to be on a "break" from running but the weather has been SO beautiful the last few days that I have been lacing up my shoes every day for the last three days.  While I am running when I should be resting, I am at least being careful to ensure that I an not running if things hurt.  I have become much more aware of my aches and pains.  I posted before about my run on Sunday.  But, I thought I would post about my Monday and Tuesday runs for posterity. 

Monday was supposed to be in the 40s and nice, unfortunately it certainly didn't feel that way.  I think it was in the 30s with some decent wind.  Not that I am complaining too loudly, because it certainly beats the snow they are forecasting for later this week!  I didn't really have a plan for mileage on Monday, I just started running.  About 3 miles into it I realized that I was probably going to be able to hit 5 miles without too much problem.  When I stopped to get water at 3.4 miles my knee was bothering me to walk... but doesn't hurt at all when I run.  I am still a new runner, so I totally don't get whats going on with that.  Because it didn't hurt to run, I decided it would be safe to finish up my mileage. I really love running the trails around town, so much more fun and enjoyable than running the streets of my association!  I don't remember many of the details of this run, I was really just enjoying the chill of the beautiful day.  It was cloudy, but truly it was beautiful!  I managed 5 miles in 43:41.  And my mile splits weren't too shabby.  I still need to work on the whole "negative splits" concept, but I feel like I am making progress.  I am not going out too strong, I typically have a slower first mile and build my speed.  In a 4-5 mile run I typically have one mile where I "die" a bit, but its progress, right?   And, aren't my readers lucky - I snapped a picture of my sweaty self after running 5 miles! 

1	8:45.6	1.00	8:46
2	8:30.6	1.00	8:31
3	8:24.7	1.00	8:25
4	8:25.3	1.00	8:25
5	8:32.4	1.00	8:32
6	1:02.0	0.13	8:12

Tuesday's run was pretty much, more of the same.  Well, except for the fact that I really didn't want to go.  I have been "stuck" weight wise for a few days and it really hit me this morning.  I wanted to do nothing more than lay in bed all day.  Luckily, I have two kids who depend on me - I have to take my daughter to preschool and my son counts on his daily time with his friends.  So, I grudgingly pulled on my running pants and shoes and headed out the door.  Once I started running, I was REALLY glad that I had gotten out there.  It was so beautiful, sunny and "warm." I honestly couldn't have asked for much better - it felt like early spring out! I mean, look at how beautiful the sky is in that picture... I was definitely glad I had my sunglasses though.  The run didn't feel easy per say, but it didn't feel super challenging either, I almost felt like a "real runner."  I sort of felt like a wimp for stopping at 3.5 miles today when it was so beautiful out but I decided better safe than sorry since it was my third day in a row running.  Another "easy" 3.5 miles in the books for 2012 in 29:38.  One exciting thing about today's run - I managed negative splits for the first three miles!  I tried something new for me today, I ran the last half mile of my run at a slower pace as a cool down.  Seems pretty obvious that you should do that, but northe mally I just run "balls to the wall" until I die and then I collapse somewhere without stretching and cooling down.  Not wise, I know! Anway, today's splits.. 

1	8:45.0	1.00	8:45
2	8:21.5	1.00	8:22
3	8:10.1	1.00	8:10
4	4:21.4	0.51	8:33

Last but not least, my buddy Audrey over at A Mama's Goals has so graciously decided to share her 2012 challenge with her blog followers and friends. She will be posting a new challenge each week - the goal of the challenge is to show her (and us) how easy it can be to include things that are outside of your comfort zone into your life.  I am hoping that as a result of these challenges I will be able to bring some balance to my life.  One of the things I love the most about her challenge is that not all the challenges will be related to fitness and running.

The first week the challenge was to do 30 minutes of instructional workout each day.  I managed to satisfy this goal with a yoga and pilates dvd that I did 5 days of the week, and I rounded out the week with a couple days of yoga booty ballet dvds.  The second week was more of a challenge for me, the task was to write a handwritten thank you note each day.  Luckily it was right after Christmas so I sent mostly thank you notes for gifts we had received plus a couple to some of my good friends.  

So here we are, week three... the challenge this week is to drink 90 ounces of water and eat 8 servings of fruits and veggies per day.  The water part, no problem... I already drink that much anyways.  The fruits and veggies on the other hand... so not my thing.  I do love fruit but I haven't been eating a ton of it and I hate veggies.  Surprisingly I have been able to stick to it the last few days.  Both days I have ended up having 3 servings of veggies and 5 servings of fruit.  I think it probably should be reversed, but I am trying! 

Sorry this is so long winded, hope all is well with my bloggy readers.   One last mention, please send up prayers for missing runner Sherry Arnold.  She has been missing from Sidney, Montana since Saturday morning with no leads except for them finding her shoe.  It's hit the running bloggy community hard obviously, and I think its shaken our sense of security.  I know I am definitely more aware of my surroundings than I used to be, its things like this that make me wish I had a partner to run with. 

Besides running with a partner, what do you do to ensure you stay safe while running?