Measuring Up

**Let me start off by saying that I debated even sitting down to write this post, and then once it was written I debated making it public.  Obviously, I decided to make it public - I think mostly for the sake of full disclosure.

It all starts as a kid - we want to have the coolest toys, the trendy clothes, we want to be "cool."  As a child, I wasn't the coolest, I got made fun of, and not everyone liked me.  But, for the most part I was pretty self-assured.  I was confident in who I was, it was okay with me that I wasn't part of the cool crowd, I enjoyed focusing on school and my family.  Despite that confidence, there were traces of the feelings of isolation in middle school and high school.

Enjoying camp with a great friend!

Don't get me wrong - I was still pretty self-assured, I had good grades and was proud of it.  I was on the swim team, and while I wasn't the best it gave me a sense of belonging to a group.  Those early mornings in the weight room and afternoons at the pool were probably what got me through high school without too many issues with depression.  Between swimming, school, family, and work I didn't have time to sit around and "feel sorry" for myself.    There were moments when I would wonder "what if I was thinner?  what if I had more to offer?"  but overall I was happy with my core group of friends and they gave me far more than I deserved.  I don't have photos of all of them to share here, but I hope they know how much their friendship meant to me! 

Representative of my swimming connections, but some of my besties are "missing" from this picture.

College was more of the same, I came into college ready to focus on my studies and I did just that.  I worked through much of my college career and had several amazing opportunities to travel (a month in Ecuador and a semester in Philly). I was lucky to be assigned to a quad full of wonderful girls my freshman year and we became fast friends.  I stayed close with  most of them through college, and even roomed with my freshman roomie for most of my college career.  We did alot of social stuff together, but the biggest blessing was having a group of girls who I could just "exist" with and who loved me unconditionally.  We didn't have to be at a party to have a good time -  just being in each others' company was enough.  They were a constant for me, they were like my sisters and I miss them dearly.  

While my semester in Philadelphia was amazing and I would do it again in a heartbeat, when I came back I wasn't myself.  I had an amazing internship experience while in Philly - it gave me valuable experience in the work force.  I struggled to take the positive feedback though and focused on the few constructive criticisms I received from one of my supervisors. Not to mention, I faced my first ever true personal conflict with one of my housemates.  It shook me to the core, I came back to college and felt like after a semester away I no longer had a place at college.  Outside of my fiance (we got engaged early in college), I felt like no one cared that I was home.

My dear friends did the best they could to help transition me back into "the Alma bubble" but it wasn't easy for me.  Thankfully I made it through my last year of college, thanks mostly in part to this important group of people.  They reminded me that they did care about me and still valued me as a person.  They gave me the confidence to just relax and be myself when I was with them.  It was something I needed after spending nearly every minute at "home" in Philly on edge.  

What's the point of all this?  I am trying to determine when I started to have so much less faith in myself and who I am as a person.  When did the simple "comparing myself to others" become me feeling like I will NEVER measure up?  I believe the lack of confidence developed during my semester in Philadelphia and my confidence just continued to deteriorate from there.  I had a bad work experience after graduating college - I was laid off for unknown reasons (it still bothers me that he didn't have a good reason to let me go- the guy gave me a beaming letter of recommendation even).  I fought my way through a tailspin of depression and found a retail job to pass the time until I got married.  

Since then, my life has been a blur. Got married, moved to Indiana, bought a puppy, had a baby less than a year after we were married, bought a house, had a second baby, hubby changed jobs several times and I have worked a couple of part time type jobs just to do something to keep busy.

Somewhere among all this I found the time to lose 125 pounds and take up running.   I have tried to be the best mother I could be, the fastest runner I could be, the best everything.  Unfortunately, it always ends up with me feeling like I just can't measure up to the people I see around me.  

Someone will always be faster.  Someone will always be thinner.  Someone will always have a better body.  Someone will always be a better mother.  Someone will always have more dedication than me.  Someone will always hate/dislike me.  Someone will always have more friends than I do.

I can't be the only one who has done it - looked longingly at someone else and wondered "Why can't that be ME?"  I know that these are unreasonable thoughts, that I am an individual and I should be proud of where I am now but there is still a part of me that just can't "be happy."  

Anyone have any pointers on how to center your thoughts on what you have accomplished?  How do you stop comparing yourself to others?  

Coming out of hiding.

Disclaimer:  This post has nothing to do with running, this is my attempt at self therapy.  Thinking through and writing down my thoughts.  Feel free to skip over these posts, they are mostly for myself. 

Day 2... I never thought I would consider plastic surgery.  Yet, here I am seriously considering it - wishing that insurance would cover the costs.  I don't know how I would make it work logistically - I mean, who would take care of my kids and how could I stop running that long?  But, at the same time I dream of having a normal body for once in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to be where I am now compared to where I was a couple years ago.  The extra skin though is not only a pain when buying clothes and running, but its also like a weight pulling down on my soul.  Reminding me of the weight, reminding me that I am the only one to blame for the damage I did to my body.

For years, I hid behind my weight.  When I was "the fat girl" I had it as an excuse for missing out on life, an excuse for being unhappy.  If I didn't have any friends, it was because I was too fat.  I wasn't thin enough to be one of the cool kids.  I never had to look any further than that.  It was hurtful yes, but it was okay because it was always something that I could blame on circumstances outside of my control.  Yes, I realize I was obese because of my decisions, but at the time I didn't see it that way.  I blamed my genetics, I blamed everyone but myself. 

Now that I have shed that weight and lost friends along the way, I had the "shocking" revelation that its not the weight that keeps me from having friends, its ME.  I am sure I have many annoying habits, I annoy the crap out of myself, so I can only imagine that I drive other people crazy as well. I can truly tell you that I would likely lay down my life if necessary for any of my friends.  I expect the same from them, and even though I have alot of friends who are there for me, there are very few people who develop that level of commitment to friendships.  I think my deep devotion stems back to my un-diagnosed OCD, when I do something, I give it everything that I have.  I don't know how to be a "casual" friend.  The truth is that intensity is often too much for alot of people.  

I want to be that devoted to all of my friends.  The biggest issue for me right now is that due to the journey I have been on, I have lost most of those who I called friends since I moved to Fort Wayne.  Mostly, its my fault, I have changed.... I have different priorities in my life.  I have to run and workout on a regular basis.  I have to live a pretty healthy lifestyle.  The only way to continue this lifestyle is to sort of mold myself into someone new.  Running and healthy living are a HUGE part of my life.  I don't have the free time I used to, I am a different person.   My whole life I have been the person who put everyone else's needs first, but the journey to emotional and physical health has required me to put myself first.  It's a balancing act that I struggle with on a daily basis, but in the end I would give my last dollar to a friend, I would be their shoulder, I would do anything for a friend.  That's a part of who I am, it always has been, and it always will be. 

The solution to my lack of friends would seem so simple... Jennifer, go out and make NEW friends, go find people who have common interests.  Yep, it should be so simple.  The problem?  I have absolutely no sense of self-worth.  I don't want to listen to myself talk, why would anyone else care what I am talking about?  Why would anyone possibly care about what I am doing, what I have to say.  Spending time around anyone (and I do mean ANYONE) makes me paranoid that when I leave that I become the target of gossip.   I don't know how to get past that insecurity enough to be able to honestly and fully put myself out there to make new friends.   

It seems ridiculous and impossible that things could feel so much more hopeless now that I am pretty much at my goal weight.  I should be out celebrating my successes, instead I often find myself sitting alone in my house wondering what the point really is.  I guess it just goes to show that a weight-loss journey is often times NOT just a physical journey, it is an emotional one as well.   

For today, I find myself listening to sad songs on youtube and watching my kids praying for that childlike happiness and peace.  I can do this, I have to do this.  I have to be better for my kids, for Tommy, and for those people who have loved and supported me along the way. 

I may seem miserable, but your presence in my life makes it worthwhile so please don't give up on me.  You know who you are...