My motto, so true. 

It's sort of a painful process to pick yourself apart in order to be a better person.  I didn't post yesterday because I just wasn't in the mindset to do so.  I spent today analyzing one of my flaws that probably causes me the most distress: having a hard time of letting go of people from my past.  

I realized today that I make weird connections.  For instance, if I am driving down the road and see a car that is the same type of car as a lost family member or friend it instantly takes me back to when they were with me.  A horse will remind me of people that I know who have horses, or takes me back to times in my life when I have interacted with horses.  Seeing a child sad reminds me of all of my failures as a parent.   I don't really know how to put this into words, but for me it seems that its almost an issue of me being hyper sensitive to my memories.   I suppose this isn't really a bad thing per say, but in this case it keeps things in the forefront of my memory that I really don't want there all the time.

Sort of along the same lines, if a song is on the radio, I instantly connect it to a person, a place, or a memory.  It doesn't matter what genre, the lyrics REALLY speak to me - they always have.  I think for me its always been easier for me to pick lyrics out of a song and connect with them.  It's easier for me to use the lyrics to express myself than having to try to search for the words to express my emotions.    If I am using someone else's words, it doesn't hurt as badly if they aren't well received.  It doesn't feel quite as much like a personal rejection, I don't feel like I have exposed as much of my heart/soul to the world.  

Of course, the memories invoked aren't always sad ones, the lyrics aren't always a negative.  But, in times like this when I am struggling its easy to get stuck in a rut of sadness and negativity.  I know this, I guess I could turn off the radio - but I can't stop observing the world around me.  If its not a song, it will be a car, a smell, anything.  I love that I am able to connect things so easily, but I wish I could control it a bit more.

This is seriously the most difficult thing I have probably ever done in my life, to air my inner battles.  I have considered making this blog stuff completely private, but for me I think part of the battle is facing my inner demons head on and showing them that I refuse to be ashamed of who I am anymore.  Forcing myself to stop putting on an act and allowing people see the vulnerability, realizing its okay to be weak sometimes.

Hooray for having a mid-life crisis a few years early?  I guess maybe if I get it over with now I won't have to deal with it when I am 40?  I have had several people tell me that they don't understand how I could be struggling the way I am.  After all, I have "lost 125 pounds and look amazing."  Guess what... that's only physical.  While I do want to feel like I look amazing (still working on it, remember I see more than everyone else does and its NOT amazing), the important part is healing from the inside.  As I have said before, I didn't get to be over 300 pounds because I was happy.  So, while I may look "healed" from the outside that part of my journey as just begun.

I have been criticized for expecting too much of my friends, that's its not fair for me to expect them to be there for me when I am feeling blue... that's what psychologists are for after all.  Well, guess what... sometimes all it takes is a friend to look you in the eye and genuinely care.  Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and tell you that it will be okay even if you don't believe them.   And most importantly, sometimes it would be nice to have someone there to call and say "lets go out and get your mind off things."  Honestly, I don't want to dwell on talking about this with my friends.  I want to fix myself, that's the only way to truly heal... I just want them to be there to love me as I embark on this incredibly difficult journey.

In the past, I may have relied too heavily on people and that's part of whats gotten me to where I am now.  So, for those of you who have been there.... I'm sorry if I put too much pressure on you.  I hope that when I finally get back to healthy that you will give me a second (thirth, fourth, fifth?) chance.  I count myself lucky to have more than a handful of people who have loved and supported my through everything, and I know that while you guys aren't around geographically you would do whatever you could to help me through this.  So, THANK YOU for believing in me when I have given up on myself.

I won't always be broken... someday I hope that I will be as good of a friend/family member to you guys as you have been to me.

That being said, don't be surprised if you don't  hear from me for a while - I have a race on Saturday.  I'm dreading it, I am just  not ready for it emotionally or physically, so I plan to just "veg" tomorrow to try to get as ready as can be.  Then of course it will be a busy weekend, it always is with kids.  Next week is packing for our trip, and then next Friday we are bound for my parents' house.  I can't wait...

(I apologize, I know this post is horribly jumpy, but I just can't organize my thoughts tonight.  I am also not proofing this, so again... I apologize.)

Coming out of hiding.

Disclaimer:  This post has nothing to do with running, this is my attempt at self therapy.  Thinking through and writing down my thoughts.  Feel free to skip over these posts, they are mostly for myself. 

Day 2... I never thought I would consider plastic surgery.  Yet, here I am seriously considering it - wishing that insurance would cover the costs.  I don't know how I would make it work logistically - I mean, who would take care of my kids and how could I stop running that long?  But, at the same time I dream of having a normal body for once in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to be where I am now compared to where I was a couple years ago.  The extra skin though is not only a pain when buying clothes and running, but its also like a weight pulling down on my soul.  Reminding me of the weight, reminding me that I am the only one to blame for the damage I did to my body.

For years, I hid behind my weight.  When I was "the fat girl" I had it as an excuse for missing out on life, an excuse for being unhappy.  If I didn't have any friends, it was because I was too fat.  I wasn't thin enough to be one of the cool kids.  I never had to look any further than that.  It was hurtful yes, but it was okay because it was always something that I could blame on circumstances outside of my control.  Yes, I realize I was obese because of my decisions, but at the time I didn't see it that way.  I blamed my genetics, I blamed everyone but myself. 

Now that I have shed that weight and lost friends along the way, I had the "shocking" revelation that its not the weight that keeps me from having friends, its ME.  I am sure I have many annoying habits, I annoy the crap out of myself, so I can only imagine that I drive other people crazy as well. I can truly tell you that I would likely lay down my life if necessary for any of my friends.  I expect the same from them, and even though I have alot of friends who are there for me, there are very few people who develop that level of commitment to friendships.  I think my deep devotion stems back to my un-diagnosed OCD, when I do something, I give it everything that I have.  I don't know how to be a "casual" friend.  The truth is that intensity is often too much for alot of people.  

I want to be that devoted to all of my friends.  The biggest issue for me right now is that due to the journey I have been on, I have lost most of those who I called friends since I moved to Fort Wayne.  Mostly, its my fault, I have changed.... I have different priorities in my life.  I have to run and workout on a regular basis.  I have to live a pretty healthy lifestyle.  The only way to continue this lifestyle is to sort of mold myself into someone new.  Running and healthy living are a HUGE part of my life.  I don't have the free time I used to, I am a different person.   My whole life I have been the person who put everyone else's needs first, but the journey to emotional and physical health has required me to put myself first.  It's a balancing act that I struggle with on a daily basis, but in the end I would give my last dollar to a friend, I would be their shoulder, I would do anything for a friend.  That's a part of who I am, it always has been, and it always will be. 

The solution to my lack of friends would seem so simple... Jennifer, go out and make NEW friends, go find people who have common interests.  Yep, it should be so simple.  The problem?  I have absolutely no sense of self-worth.  I don't want to listen to myself talk, why would anyone else care what I am talking about?  Why would anyone possibly care about what I am doing, what I have to say.  Spending time around anyone (and I do mean ANYONE) makes me paranoid that when I leave that I become the target of gossip.   I don't know how to get past that insecurity enough to be able to honestly and fully put myself out there to make new friends.   

It seems ridiculous and impossible that things could feel so much more hopeless now that I am pretty much at my goal weight.  I should be out celebrating my successes, instead I often find myself sitting alone in my house wondering what the point really is.  I guess it just goes to show that a weight-loss journey is often times NOT just a physical journey, it is an emotional one as well.   

For today, I find myself listening to sad songs on youtube and watching my kids praying for that childlike happiness and peace.  I can do this, I have to do this.  I have to be better for my kids, for Tommy, and for those people who have loved and supported me along the way. 

I may seem miserable, but your presence in my life makes it worthwhile so please don't give up on me.  You know who you are...