My motto, so true. 

It's sort of a painful process to pick yourself apart in order to be a better person.  I didn't post yesterday because I just wasn't in the mindset to do so.  I spent today analyzing one of my flaws that probably causes me the most distress: having a hard time of letting go of people from my past.  

I realized today that I make weird connections.  For instance, if I am driving down the road and see a car that is the same type of car as a lost family member or friend it instantly takes me back to when they were with me.  A horse will remind me of people that I know who have horses, or takes me back to times in my life when I have interacted with horses.  Seeing a child sad reminds me of all of my failures as a parent.   I don't really know how to put this into words, but for me it seems that its almost an issue of me being hyper sensitive to my memories.   I suppose this isn't really a bad thing per say, but in this case it keeps things in the forefront of my memory that I really don't want there all the time.

Sort of along the same lines, if a song is on the radio, I instantly connect it to a person, a place, or a memory.  It doesn't matter what genre, the lyrics REALLY speak to me - they always have.  I think for me its always been easier for me to pick lyrics out of a song and connect with them.  It's easier for me to use the lyrics to express myself than having to try to search for the words to express my emotions.    If I am using someone else's words, it doesn't hurt as badly if they aren't well received.  It doesn't feel quite as much like a personal rejection, I don't feel like I have exposed as much of my heart/soul to the world.  

Of course, the memories invoked aren't always sad ones, the lyrics aren't always a negative.  But, in times like this when I am struggling its easy to get stuck in a rut of sadness and negativity.  I know this, I guess I could turn off the radio - but I can't stop observing the world around me.  If its not a song, it will be a car, a smell, anything.  I love that I am able to connect things so easily, but I wish I could control it a bit more.

This is seriously the most difficult thing I have probably ever done in my life, to air my inner battles.  I have considered making this blog stuff completely private, but for me I think part of the battle is facing my inner demons head on and showing them that I refuse to be ashamed of who I am anymore.  Forcing myself to stop putting on an act and allowing people see the vulnerability, realizing its okay to be weak sometimes.

Hooray for having a mid-life crisis a few years early?  I guess maybe if I get it over with now I won't have to deal with it when I am 40?  I have had several people tell me that they don't understand how I could be struggling the way I am.  After all, I have "lost 125 pounds and look amazing."  Guess what... that's only physical.  While I do want to feel like I look amazing (still working on it, remember I see more than everyone else does and its NOT amazing), the important part is healing from the inside.  As I have said before, I didn't get to be over 300 pounds because I was happy.  So, while I may look "healed" from the outside that part of my journey as just begun.

I have been criticized for expecting too much of my friends, that's its not fair for me to expect them to be there for me when I am feeling blue... that's what psychologists are for after all.  Well, guess what... sometimes all it takes is a friend to look you in the eye and genuinely care.  Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and tell you that it will be okay even if you don't believe them.   And most importantly, sometimes it would be nice to have someone there to call and say "lets go out and get your mind off things."  Honestly, I don't want to dwell on talking about this with my friends.  I want to fix myself, that's the only way to truly heal... I just want them to be there to love me as I embark on this incredibly difficult journey.

In the past, I may have relied too heavily on people and that's part of whats gotten me to where I am now.  So, for those of you who have been there.... I'm sorry if I put too much pressure on you.  I hope that when I finally get back to healthy that you will give me a second (thirth, fourth, fifth?) chance.  I count myself lucky to have more than a handful of people who have loved and supported my through everything, and I know that while you guys aren't around geographically you would do whatever you could to help me through this.  So, THANK YOU for believing in me when I have given up on myself.

I won't always be broken... someday I hope that I will be as good of a friend/family member to you guys as you have been to me.

That being said, don't be surprised if you don't  hear from me for a while - I have a race on Saturday.  I'm dreading it, I am just  not ready for it emotionally or physically, so I plan to just "veg" tomorrow to try to get as ready as can be.  Then of course it will be a busy weekend, it always is with kids.  Next week is packing for our trip, and then next Friday we are bound for my parents' house.  I can't wait...

(I apologize, I know this post is horribly jumpy, but I just can't organize my thoughts tonight.  I am also not proofing this, so again... I apologize.)

Coming out of hiding.

Disclaimer:  This post has nothing to do with running, this is my attempt at self therapy.  Thinking through and writing down my thoughts.  Feel free to skip over these posts, they are mostly for myself. 

Day 2... I never thought I would consider plastic surgery.  Yet, here I am seriously considering it - wishing that insurance would cover the costs.  I don't know how I would make it work logistically - I mean, who would take care of my kids and how could I stop running that long?  But, at the same time I dream of having a normal body for once in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to be where I am now compared to where I was a couple years ago.  The extra skin though is not only a pain when buying clothes and running, but its also like a weight pulling down on my soul.  Reminding me of the weight, reminding me that I am the only one to blame for the damage I did to my body.

For years, I hid behind my weight.  When I was "the fat girl" I had it as an excuse for missing out on life, an excuse for being unhappy.  If I didn't have any friends, it was because I was too fat.  I wasn't thin enough to be one of the cool kids.  I never had to look any further than that.  It was hurtful yes, but it was okay because it was always something that I could blame on circumstances outside of my control.  Yes, I realize I was obese because of my decisions, but at the time I didn't see it that way.  I blamed my genetics, I blamed everyone but myself. 

Now that I have shed that weight and lost friends along the way, I had the "shocking" revelation that its not the weight that keeps me from having friends, its ME.  I am sure I have many annoying habits, I annoy the crap out of myself, so I can only imagine that I drive other people crazy as well. I can truly tell you that I would likely lay down my life if necessary for any of my friends.  I expect the same from them, and even though I have alot of friends who are there for me, there are very few people who develop that level of commitment to friendships.  I think my deep devotion stems back to my un-diagnosed OCD, when I do something, I give it everything that I have.  I don't know how to be a "casual" friend.  The truth is that intensity is often too much for alot of people.  

I want to be that devoted to all of my friends.  The biggest issue for me right now is that due to the journey I have been on, I have lost most of those who I called friends since I moved to Fort Wayne.  Mostly, its my fault, I have changed.... I have different priorities in my life.  I have to run and workout on a regular basis.  I have to live a pretty healthy lifestyle.  The only way to continue this lifestyle is to sort of mold myself into someone new.  Running and healthy living are a HUGE part of my life.  I don't have the free time I used to, I am a different person.   My whole life I have been the person who put everyone else's needs first, but the journey to emotional and physical health has required me to put myself first.  It's a balancing act that I struggle with on a daily basis, but in the end I would give my last dollar to a friend, I would be their shoulder, I would do anything for a friend.  That's a part of who I am, it always has been, and it always will be. 

The solution to my lack of friends would seem so simple... Jennifer, go out and make NEW friends, go find people who have common interests.  Yep, it should be so simple.  The problem?  I have absolutely no sense of self-worth.  I don't want to listen to myself talk, why would anyone else care what I am talking about?  Why would anyone possibly care about what I am doing, what I have to say.  Spending time around anyone (and I do mean ANYONE) makes me paranoid that when I leave that I become the target of gossip.   I don't know how to get past that insecurity enough to be able to honestly and fully put myself out there to make new friends.   

It seems ridiculous and impossible that things could feel so much more hopeless now that I am pretty much at my goal weight.  I should be out celebrating my successes, instead I often find myself sitting alone in my house wondering what the point really is.  I guess it just goes to show that a weight-loss journey is often times NOT just a physical journey, it is an emotional one as well.   

For today, I find myself listening to sad songs on youtube and watching my kids praying for that childlike happiness and peace.  I can do this, I have to do this.  I have to be better for my kids, for Tommy, and for those people who have loved and supported me along the way. 

I may seem miserable, but your presence in my life makes it worthwhile so please don't give up on me.  You know who you are... 

Taking time to rebuild.

Okay my bloggy friends... I am going to be absent for a while most likely unless I find that blogging can become therapeutic for me.  Some of you may know I have battled with depression for most of my life, never medicated.  I typically go through lulls a few times a year where I get pretty blue.  I always thought my weight was the primary cause - that if I lost weight I would stop having those moments of feeling like I wasn't enough.  Unfortunately, I am finding that not only is weight loss not the answer, it seems to have made it worse for me.

I can't believe I truly thought that losing the weight would make it all go away.  I started this journey to get healthy for my kids and to be a better mother to them.  Somewhere along the line I started gaining a bit of confidence and thought "wow, wouldn't it be great if losing all this weight finally makes me happy with who I am."  Who am I kidding... its probably quite the opposite.  The weight is probably a side effect of my depression and lack of self worth over the years.  Those who knew me when I was younger might be shocked to hear of my lack of self-worth and self esteem.  It's always been there, but in my college years it became much more overwhelming for me.

Every conversation that I have with someone (anyone) repeats over in my head (that's my un-diagnosed OCD kicking in there).  I think of all the ways that I could have offended someone, or all the things that I should have said.  The things I shouldn't have.  The things that they said that I may have taken the wrong way.  In my head, I am always able to find a way to convince myself that they want me to go be gone.  In my head, I don't provide anything that other people need.  I don't feel like I can contribute expertise to conversations.  I'm not great at anything, I am good at being average.  I guess average should be good enough, but I want to excel at something.  I want to feel like I have a strength that makes me irreplaceable.  I don't feel like that.

I am constantly questioning who I am and where I am in my life.  My only reassurance some days that I wouldn't change where I am is my kids.  I love my kids with every fiber of my being.  Without them, I don't know how I would get up some days.  I feel like they are my blessing, not sure what I did to deserve such special gifts - but they are my sun when everything else seems dark.    They are the only people that I feel like I know love my unconditionally.  They don't see all my flaws, I am all they know.  They don't know that I am not as creative as others, that I lose my cool easier, that I am taking too much time for myself with regards to my running.

The first step to healing is admitting our weaknesses, right?  So here goes... my (probably partial) list of sins.
 1.  I am always wondering if the grass is greener on the other side rather than appreciating what I have.
 2.  I have a hard time concentrating on the gift of today, if I am not planning for something in the future I feel useless.
3.  I am too competitive - someone is always prettier, thinner, a better mother, a better listener, a better wife, a better runner, a better friend.   I wish I could stop comparing myself to others because someone will ALWAYS be better than me at something.
4.  I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry.  I am disgusted by my body.  I can name at least six things I would change about my body.  My body image is severely screwed up and I know it.
5.  I have a hard time letting go of things.  I don't like people not liking me.  I don't like feeling like I was replaced.  I logically know that some people are here for a lifetime and some for a season, but I can't help but feel like a failure when someone decides they don't want to be friends anymore.
6.  I am afraid of the label of "depression."  In our society, its a dirty word.  Getting help can even increase your costs for life insurance.
7.  I over-analyze everything.
8.  I am never happy with what I have accomplished, I always feel like I could have done more/better.

I realize that I may lose some followers over this post, but for me this blog is about the journey I am on to a healthy me.  Now that I am mostly there weight wise (still need to lose 15-20 pounds ideally), its time to get serious about my emotional health.  This is my first step.

I am not posting this looking for people to post comments to boost me up so I am going to disable commenting on this post.   I don't want anyone to worry - this post may seem hopeless, like I am drowning, but honestly it feels good to get it out there.  I am ready to start healing - it will be a long road, but the only way to live a full life is to somehow learn that I do have value.  I will post as I find the need, but it may be sporadic for a while.    I have a perfectly timed trip down to see my family in less than two weeks, I have a feeling that will be a very healing time for me.

Thank you for those of you who have been in my life, those of you who put up with my mood swings, those of you who love me regardless... you know who you are.  I promise, someday I will see the person you see.

Drowning.

This post is not going to be running related and most won't even be related to health.  I hope you all can forgive me for the off topic posting.

The holidays are always really difficult for me, while I LOVE my little family I miss my parents and my sister.  Growing up as an "army brat" we traveled a lot and we weren't around our extended family most of the time.  We had each other.  Now that I am an adult with my own family, we live over 9 hours away from my family.  We can't be together for the holidays and its really hard.  It doesn't feel right to celebrate without them.  I realize I sound like I am being a child, but I really don't know how to celebrate when all I want for Christmas is to be with my parents and sister.  Of course I would like to create my own traditions with my kids, but unlike most people we can't do Christmas at our house in the morning and go to the parents' homes in the afternoon.  And, even the option of doing Christmas another weekend doesn't work well because its just not practical to spend two days in the car for a one day visit.

I feel like I am drowning.  I struggle with depression and insecurities on a daily basis anyways, and when you add the holiday stuff to it, it becomes almost more than I can handle.  I haven't spoken much about my friends on my blog and there is a good reason for it... I don't have many.  While there are people that I used to hang out with, something happened and things just haven't been the same since.  I miss them and our time together, but I just don't know how to go about "fixing" things.  Mainly because I don't know what truly happened to begin with. I have a few running friends that I met through my running class and I am so grateful for them.  Unfortunately, they don't live local so I don't get to see them often.  And, as much as I love online friends, its just not quite the same thing as having someone to go to lunch with, its not the same level of interaction.

Despite the depression I have always felt, I have never felt the way I do right now - I feel like the girl no one wants to be friends with.  I know so much of this is my own internal feelings but I don't know how to get around those feelings.  And, when you are feeling that way its really hard to put yourself out there and try to meet new people and make new friends.  I feel like I spend most of my time hiding in my house and reading blogs so that I don't have to deal with the loneliness I feel on a daily basis.   I know that the most logical recommendation would be anti-depressants,  but I don't want to depend on them.   I manage my depression very well 90% of the time, I don't want to take drugs 100% of the time for the 10% of the time that I struggle.

Of course, because of all the feelings of self doubt and loneliness I have fallen off the wagon as far as my weight loss and such goes.  I am still taking part in the running streak, but I am not doing as much as I should be doing - I am squeaking by with the bare minimum.  I am eating more than I should, I am eating for comfort and not making the best choices.  I haven't stepped on my scale in almost a week because I am afraid of what it will say.  Its a battle to convince myself to get out the door for a run, I typically feel better once I am out there.  But, that first step out the door has gotten almost impossibly difficult.   And, because I am struggling on this front, it makes me even more depressed so I eat even more.  Stupid never ending cycle.

Luckily, my clothes are still fitting so I don't think I have gained that much, but my body is feeling different.  I am feeling out of shape.  My stomach hurts almost all the time because of the junk I am putting in my body.  I am praying for the strength to turn things around this week.  I don't want to feel sick because of my food choices.  I don't want to feel like a failure for not getting in proper workouts.  I just want to get out there and get moving to hopefully get past this rough patch I am in right now.

On a positive note, I should be completely done with Christmas shopping today!  I am super excited about that because after going out this weekend I don't think I could stand trying to get the shopping done now.  The  stores were all a crazy mess!  If I could I would avoid even grocery shopping for the next two weeks, but unfortunately I can't do that!

I am not looking for pity or anything, but I could use prayers of strength this week.  Thank you all for sticking with me even though I am not a reliable blogger.  I am trying to get better and hope to recap my time since Thanksgiving (including two races) in the next few days.  I hope you all have a fabulous week!

ETA:  Anyone have any tips on how to battle the holiday/winter blues?