A Visual Reminder

I had planned to post about my weekend run and the local running club's banquet today.  Instead, I spent most of my day doubting myself as a runner.  I have been dealing with some pains lately and its been making me wonder if I should just give up.

To counteract the negativity I was feeling I decided I needed to start looking into future races.  If I have a race on my calendar I will be less likely to slack off when i am feeling down.  So, I registered for a few small races today.   I am looking forward to the Fanny Freezer on February 11 - it was my first ever race when I started running last year and I am looking foward to seeing how I do this year!

Signing up for the Fanny Freezer caused me to start reminiscing, so I was browsing through my old race photos and such on facebook.  I came across some pictures that reminded me why I run, even when it isn't easy.

I may have shared some of these in the past, and if so, I am sorry!  Just, wanted to get them all in one place on my blog!


My "before" pictures.

Disney - Feb 2010 (and no, I am not pregnant!)

October 2010? 

This was after about 4-5 months of dieting

This comparison still shocks me

The Jan 2012 picture and the Sept 2011 picture above are about the same weight.  Wish I could say that I had lost more, but proud to be be maintaining for the most part. 

Yep, those pictures were all I needed to remind me why I run.  I run for my health, to be a better mom to my kids, to make sure I don't die prematurely from obesity related health problems.  I am so grateful for my success thus far and I truly feel blessed to have come this far.

Doubts, running, and new challenges!

I started my blog pretty late into my weight-loss journey.  I had been thinking it would be nice to have an outlet so to speak, a diary/journal of the struggles and successes I was dealing with.  A forum for me to share what has worked for me, a way to potentially motivate others like me.

Now that I have the blog I have to admit I feel a bit of pressure to make it something more.  I never realized how many bloggers were out there.  I read the blogs that others write and I get a bit green with envy.  I want so badly to be witty and amusing like they are.  I don't know how to write other than to lay it all out there on the line.  And, quite frankly I am not the most amusing person, I live a pretty boring life.  I don't know what to write about that will be interesting to my readers.  I wish that I was better and sharing my advice and successes with you all.  I am trying to get better at it, so please bear with me. 

Onto the running portion of my blog... I am supposed to be on a "break" from running but the weather has been SO beautiful the last few days that I have been lacing up my shoes every day for the last three days.  While I am running when I should be resting, I am at least being careful to ensure that I an not running if things hurt.  I have become much more aware of my aches and pains.  I posted before about my run on Sunday.  But, I thought I would post about my Monday and Tuesday runs for posterity. 

Monday was supposed to be in the 40s and nice, unfortunately it certainly didn't feel that way.  I think it was in the 30s with some decent wind.  Not that I am complaining too loudly, because it certainly beats the snow they are forecasting for later this week!  I didn't really have a plan for mileage on Monday, I just started running.  About 3 miles into it I realized that I was probably going to be able to hit 5 miles without too much problem.  When I stopped to get water at 3.4 miles my knee was bothering me to walk... but doesn't hurt at all when I run.  I am still a new runner, so I totally don't get whats going on with that.  Because it didn't hurt to run, I decided it would be safe to finish up my mileage. I really love running the trails around town, so much more fun and enjoyable than running the streets of my association!  I don't remember many of the details of this run, I was really just enjoying the chill of the beautiful day.  It was cloudy, but truly it was beautiful!  I managed 5 miles in 43:41.  And my mile splits weren't too shabby.  I still need to work on the whole "negative splits" concept, but I feel like I am making progress.  I am not going out too strong, I typically have a slower first mile and build my speed.  In a 4-5 mile run I typically have one mile where I "die" a bit, but its progress, right?   And, aren't my readers lucky - I snapped a picture of my sweaty self after running 5 miles! 

1	8:45.6	1.00	8:46
2	8:30.6	1.00	8:31
3	8:24.7	1.00	8:25
4	8:25.3	1.00	8:25
5	8:32.4	1.00	8:32
6	1:02.0	0.13	8:12

Tuesday's run was pretty much, more of the same.  Well, except for the fact that I really didn't want to go.  I have been "stuck" weight wise for a few days and it really hit me this morning.  I wanted to do nothing more than lay in bed all day.  Luckily, I have two kids who depend on me - I have to take my daughter to preschool and my son counts on his daily time with his friends.  So, I grudgingly pulled on my running pants and shoes and headed out the door.  Once I started running, I was REALLY glad that I had gotten out there.  It was so beautiful, sunny and "warm." I honestly couldn't have asked for much better - it felt like early spring out! I mean, look at how beautiful the sky is in that picture... I was definitely glad I had my sunglasses though.  The run didn't feel easy per say, but it didn't feel super challenging either, I almost felt like a "real runner."  I sort of felt like a wimp for stopping at 3.5 miles today when it was so beautiful out but I decided better safe than sorry since it was my third day in a row running.  Another "easy" 3.5 miles in the books for 2012 in 29:38.  One exciting thing about today's run - I managed negative splits for the first three miles!  I tried something new for me today, I ran the last half mile of my run at a slower pace as a cool down.  Seems pretty obvious that you should do that, but northe mally I just run "balls to the wall" until I die and then I collapse somewhere without stretching and cooling down.  Not wise, I know! Anway, today's splits.. 

1	8:45.0	1.00	8:45
2	8:21.5	1.00	8:22
3	8:10.1	1.00	8:10
4	4:21.4	0.51	8:33

Last but not least, my buddy Audrey over at A Mama's Goals has so graciously decided to share her 2012 challenge with her blog followers and friends. She will be posting a new challenge each week - the goal of the challenge is to show her (and us) how easy it can be to include things that are outside of your comfort zone into your life.  I am hoping that as a result of these challenges I will be able to bring some balance to my life.  One of the things I love the most about her challenge is that not all the challenges will be related to fitness and running.

The first week the challenge was to do 30 minutes of instructional workout each day.  I managed to satisfy this goal with a yoga and pilates dvd that I did 5 days of the week, and I rounded out the week with a couple days of yoga booty ballet dvds.  The second week was more of a challenge for me, the task was to write a handwritten thank you note each day.  Luckily it was right after Christmas so I sent mostly thank you notes for gifts we had received plus a couple to some of my good friends.  

So here we are, week three... the challenge this week is to drink 90 ounces of water and eat 8 servings of fruits and veggies per day.  The water part, no problem... I already drink that much anyways.  The fruits and veggies on the other hand... so not my thing.  I do love fruit but I haven't been eating a ton of it and I hate veggies.  Surprisingly I have been able to stick to it the last few days.  Both days I have ended up having 3 servings of veggies and 5 servings of fruit.  I think it probably should be reversed, but I am trying! 

Sorry this is so long winded, hope all is well with my bloggy readers.   One last mention, please send up prayers for missing runner Sherry Arnold.  She has been missing from Sidney, Montana since Saturday morning with no leads except for them finding her shoe.  It's hit the running bloggy community hard obviously, and I think its shaken our sense of security.  I know I am definitely more aware of my surroundings than I used to be, its things like this that make me wish I had a partner to run with. 

Besides running with a partner, what do you do to ensure you stay safe while running?  

Weekend Recap

It was a pretty uneventful weekend here.  It's hard getting used to not having a race or a long run to squeeze in... I am sort of looking forward to getting back on a set training schedule so I have something to look forward to every weekend!  It may only be a long run, but I thrive on schedules and "getting it accomplished."

I spent most of Saturday looking at schedules and trying to figure out my race schedule and vacations with my husbands time off available for the year.  We have "big plans" for the end of the year and my planner-self needed to know if we could pull them off!

While doing my searching, I found out that I could register for the Detroit Half Marathon in October for only $45 if I did it by the end of the day Saturday.  That left me with a pretty big decision to make.  My original plan was to apply for Nike Women's in San Fran this year and if I didn't get in Detroit was my "back-up plan."  But the price was right and with trying to raise money for St Jude this year it just didn't seem like the time to waste $800+ on a cross country race!  Hopefully I will get to do it in the future though - will see how that pans out...

Long story short after this weekend I am officially planning on completing the following races in 2012:
   - Oak Barrel Half in Lynchburg, Tennessee on April 7, 2012  - registered
   - Indy Mini in Indianapolis, Indiana on May 5, 2012  - registered
   - Indy Women's Half in Indianapolis on September 1, 2012  - will register by the end of the month
   - Detroit Free Press International Half in Detroit, Michigan on October 21, 2012 - registered
   - St Jude's Marathon in Memphis, Tennessee on December 1, 2012 - registration set to open in May

Anyone want to do the Indy Women's Half with me?  Pretty please!  I was hoping to find some people to do it with me and maybe we could split the cost of hotels or whatever.

We are making the Detroit trip as well as the Memphis trip "extra special" trips by adding a day to do the zoo at each location.  Not a huge expense (especially since they are reciprocal zoos with our zoo membership so we should get 50% off the admission prices), but it will sure make it more fun for the kids and more like a family vacation than just me dragging the family along to watch me run.   In addition we are planning to go to Alabama  this year for Christmas - hooray!  I am SO excited about that!

The kids spent most of Saturday and Sunday coloring up a storm.  I swear I have never seen two kids spend so much time coloring in two days... if they weren't eating or sleeping, they were coloring!  I felt like the probably should done something else, but hey... they enjoyed themselves.  Natalie wanted to help with my blog post so she decided to color a couple pictures especially for me to share with you guys..

Outside of grocery shopping, my only other excitement for the weekend was a nice 4 mile run I got in this "morning."  I say morning because we chose to lounge around in bed and take our time getting moving this morning so I didn't head out until like 11:00 but it was the first thing I did when I "got up" this morning.  I haven't had a lazy day like that in a while.

I grabbed Phoenix (my mini crazy, overweight australian shepherd)and headed out for 2-3 miles.  It's nice not having the stress of a plan right now, I can run just what I am feeling that day.  It was beautiful out today... not too cold but just cold enough to make sure I didn't get too hot while running.  About 1.5 miles in I decided I was just going to run until I wanted to stop, I was thinking 5-6 miles.... unfortunately my puppy had other plans.  He was dead at about 3.5 miles so I had to come home at 4 miles.  I suppose I could have went  back out by myself, but that didn't happen.  Either way it was an awesome, enjoyable run at a pretty good pace.  I ran 4 miles in a little over 33 minutes.... my average pace worked out to 8:21/mile.  Not bad for a relaxed Sunday run!

As far as my "diet resolution" - I did pretty good this weekend as compared to other weekends when I was in my hardcore "dieting" days.  I ate slightly more than during the week but felt like I chose wisely and 98% of the calories I ate were healthy foods.   I managed to get in 8 bottles of water both days too... so we shall see what the scale says tomorrow morning!

So far, SO good...

It's been less than a week since the new year, so I won't go professing that I will conquer my goal of losing 25 pounds.  But, I am happy to say that I have lost a total of 11.6 pounds already.  That's almost halfway there!  Of course, the second half is always the hardest!

I haven't done anything crazy...
 - at least 6 bottles of water a day
 - weighing daily
 - counting calories, watching portion sizes, and logging food to keep me at around 1600 calories
 - limiting pre-packaged food
 - watching sodium intake
 - trying to get my body moving every day

The last one has been the hardest because I am supposed to be taking a running break after my run streak during the end of 2011.  But, I have been mixing it up with doing workout videos, swimming, and DDR for cardio and throwing in work on my ball for my abs.  I hate my abs, probably always will... thats the downside of losing a huge amount of weight, you have extra skin and without surgery there isn't much you can do about it.  And, I am terrified of going under the knife!

With the "clean up" of my diet I am seeing some improvements in my acne... its not great still, but I know it will take time.  Can't wait to not feel ashamed to face the the world again!

I am missing running, I think I am going to allow myself to do a few runs during my break, just with the rule that if it starts to really hurt I have to stop.

Oh, and an update on the eye doctor... it went better than I expected.  My eyes have actually gotten better in the last 7 years since I saw an eye doctor!  I won't have to wear glasses or anything, I am nearsighted in my right eye, but only the least possible correction and the doctor typically doesn't prescribe corrective lenses for that.  I did discuss with him the problem I have focusing my eyes when I read so I am getting some sort of glasses for reading.. I think he called them close vision lenses.  They just allow things to be a little more crisp and easy to read.  I will share a picture when I get them.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words..

Drowning.

This post is not going to be running related and most won't even be related to health.  I hope you all can forgive me for the off topic posting.

The holidays are always really difficult for me, while I LOVE my little family I miss my parents and my sister.  Growing up as an "army brat" we traveled a lot and we weren't around our extended family most of the time.  We had each other.  Now that I am an adult with my own family, we live over 9 hours away from my family.  We can't be together for the holidays and its really hard.  It doesn't feel right to celebrate without them.  I realize I sound like I am being a child, but I really don't know how to celebrate when all I want for Christmas is to be with my parents and sister.  Of course I would like to create my own traditions with my kids, but unlike most people we can't do Christmas at our house in the morning and go to the parents' homes in the afternoon.  And, even the option of doing Christmas another weekend doesn't work well because its just not practical to spend two days in the car for a one day visit.

I feel like I am drowning.  I struggle with depression and insecurities on a daily basis anyways, and when you add the holiday stuff to it, it becomes almost more than I can handle.  I haven't spoken much about my friends on my blog and there is a good reason for it... I don't have many.  While there are people that I used to hang out with, something happened and things just haven't been the same since.  I miss them and our time together, but I just don't know how to go about "fixing" things.  Mainly because I don't know what truly happened to begin with. I have a few running friends that I met through my running class and I am so grateful for them.  Unfortunately, they don't live local so I don't get to see them often.  And, as much as I love online friends, its just not quite the same thing as having someone to go to lunch with, its not the same level of interaction.

Despite the depression I have always felt, I have never felt the way I do right now - I feel like the girl no one wants to be friends with.  I know so much of this is my own internal feelings but I don't know how to get around those feelings.  And, when you are feeling that way its really hard to put yourself out there and try to meet new people and make new friends.  I feel like I spend most of my time hiding in my house and reading blogs so that I don't have to deal with the loneliness I feel on a daily basis.   I know that the most logical recommendation would be anti-depressants,  but I don't want to depend on them.   I manage my depression very well 90% of the time, I don't want to take drugs 100% of the time for the 10% of the time that I struggle.

Of course, because of all the feelings of self doubt and loneliness I have fallen off the wagon as far as my weight loss and such goes.  I am still taking part in the running streak, but I am not doing as much as I should be doing - I am squeaking by with the bare minimum.  I am eating more than I should, I am eating for comfort and not making the best choices.  I haven't stepped on my scale in almost a week because I am afraid of what it will say.  Its a battle to convince myself to get out the door for a run, I typically feel better once I am out there.  But, that first step out the door has gotten almost impossibly difficult.   And, because I am struggling on this front, it makes me even more depressed so I eat even more.  Stupid never ending cycle.

Luckily, my clothes are still fitting so I don't think I have gained that much, but my body is feeling different.  I am feeling out of shape.  My stomach hurts almost all the time because of the junk I am putting in my body.  I am praying for the strength to turn things around this week.  I don't want to feel sick because of my food choices.  I don't want to feel like a failure for not getting in proper workouts.  I just want to get out there and get moving to hopefully get past this rough patch I am in right now.

On a positive note, I should be completely done with Christmas shopping today!  I am super excited about that because after going out this weekend I don't think I could stand trying to get the shopping done now.  The  stores were all a crazy mess!  If I could I would avoid even grocery shopping for the next two weeks, but unfortunately I can't do that!

I am not looking for pity or anything, but I could use prayers of strength this week.  Thank you all for sticking with me even though I am not a reliable blogger.  I am trying to get better and hope to recap my time since Thanksgiving (including two races) in the next few days.  I hope you all have a fabulous week!

ETA:  Anyone have any tips on how to battle the holiday/winter blues?

Fantastic Friday?

Not much to report here - went to the zoo with my kiddos this morning.  It was a very nice cool outing and we enjoyed the previews of fall! So much fun!  I am glad we have a decent zoo in town that we can just go walk around for a few hours.  Its not a huge zoo and we dont even typically do all the exhibits each time, but its a nice way to get out and enjoy the outdoors! For your "viewing pleasure" a photo of me and my daughter (don't mind her, shes not into getting her picture taken)!

I got so overwhelmed with my half marathon stressing yesterday that I forgot it was weigh-in Thursday. I have been watching what I eat but I haven't been dieting so to speak.  I weighed in at 184 this morning.  According to the BMI charts, at 5'11" - I am still 9 pounds overweight.  I really hope to see 175 (or possibly lower) someday but I am not going to stress about it.  Yes, I know BMI is outdated and typically not the best indicator, but its something concrete that I can strive for.



And last but not least, this DEFINITELY makes for a fantastic Friday... extended forecast, check out the weather for Saturday Sept 24 - my half marathon date!  Yes, I know it can change, but let me be ecstatic for at least a few days! haha

Weigh-in Thursday

It's weigh in Thursday and I am sad to admit that I haven't been doing so well on the weight loss front the last few weeks.  I have been focusing more on making sure I am staying fueled for my half marathon training.  Not to mention we had Daniel's birthday party this last weekend and we JUST got done eating the leftovers from his party.  I definitely over-prepared the food!  Not exactly the healthiest food.  Anyway, I was back up to 190  on Tuesday (probably mostly from sodium/water retention?).  This morning I was back down to 187.  This is still over 5 pounds up from my low, and now I am 12 pounds from my goal weight.  I am trying to take this set-back in stride.  So, to "cheer" myself up I decided to go look back at where I started.  I think this picture says it all, how can I be disappointed when I see the progress I have made?

Thank you to all those who have helped/enouraged me along my running journey: Mom, Dad, Tommy, Melissa, R, L, C, E, A, and so many more.  There are too many of you to list here!

Clarity is in the Shadow?

First, weekly weigh-in time! Luckily, I finally shed the weight from my weekend of indulgence with my good friend.

Week 43: Down 2.4 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 122.8 pounds
Left to goal: 8.8 pounds

Just to summarize my running since my last post: I ran 2.5 miles yesterday morning alone and then 4.5 before/after my half marathon class. I LOVE these runs with other people, especially "L." "L" is a blast and a half, she has me laughing most of the time and its a great way to take my mind off of the monotony and sometimes pain.

I think I may have figured out my shirt saying for warrior dash, now I just need suggestions on potential tweaks of wording and a color for the shirt. To summarize I will be wearing a black running skirt and a light olive green bondiband. I would LOVE to wear something bright and fun, but what color would coordinate with the olive green? Would love to add pizazz to the back, is there a more fun way to say what its saying? And, last questions... should I keep the weight loss mentioned on the front or move it to the back? And, should I keep the wording as is or switch it to "123 pounds lost"?
FRONT:
BACK:


Now, onto the real subject of this blog - struggling with negative body image. Let me start off by saying that I am SO proud of everything that I have accomplished. I know it is a HUGE deal to lose 120+ pounds, I know I am healthier for it, and yes I feel a lot better overall than I did before (minus the fatigue, aches, and pain involved with training for a half marathon). Let me be honest though, I am 28 and I do care how I look. While my weight loss was not totally about looking better, it has played a part in it of course. I am now under 9 pounds away from my goal and I hate the way my body looks, and truthfully, I am sure it won't look any better if/when I reach my goal. It's frustrating that I have worked so hard to get to where I want to be and my body just will never look like I want it to. When I look in the mirror I either see my old body at 307 pounds and a size 24, or a *slightly* smaller body with lots of loose flabby skin. I had a realization last night running with "L" from my half marathon class. I said to her "I wish I saw in the mirror what I see when I look at my shadow while running." Her response was, "that's what I see." It's funny to me that I can look at my shadow on the ground and see what looks to me like an athletic (albeit not super skinny) figure, but I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. I wish I had the clarity in the mirror that I see when I look at my shadow. All the work I have been putting in physically is not going to be enough to kick the fat girl out of my vision. Somehow, I have to get inside my head and learn to accept myself as I am now. As my good friend told me this weekend "Jenn, its okay, they are battle scars." We all have them, I just have to learn to embrace mine and realize that those battle scars are there to always remind me why I have worked so hard to get to where I am now.

For those of you who have struggled with body image issues, how do you cope? How do you deal with those feelings of negativity?