Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Never Satisfied.

I think I am broken... I am never satisfied, never fully able to be proud of something that I accomplished.  I am always comparing myself to others and wondering why I am not good enough to do what they do.

I just raised over $3,000 for St Jude Children's Research Hospital... my response?
     "But I want to raise more... so-and-so raised $$, what do they do better than me?"

I just finished a full marathon... my response?
     "But I didn't really run it, anyone can walk 26.2 miles (yes, I know this is flawed logic).   So-and-so ran it in x:xx and I know I should be able to do the about the same.  What do they do that I don't?  Why are they successful and I wasn't?"

Granted, I know finishing this marathon was a HUGE accomplishment.  I know raising money for St Jude makes a big difference.  At the end of the day I felt no pride when I crossed that finish line, I was numb from the disappointment of the last 3 hours.

I have to pull myself out of this stupor because its not good for my mental well being or my physical well being (I eat when I am depressed and have gained 5-10 pounds)....

A race recap is coming, I just want to take a few days to process it so its hopefully not such a downer!


  1. I know exactly what you mean! I am totally the same way. I did my first ever race that was a half marathon and still when someone says wow your amazing or you did awesome. I am thinking no I should have ran it should have came in in x amount of time. Same with graduating EMT school with a 99.9 grade still wasn't totally satisfied.
    Hope you can see your awesome accomplishment of raising that much money knowing that its helping a lot of kids and that crossing that finish line made you a marathoner regardless of how much or little you ran during the race its something to be very proud of!!!!

  2. I understand whole-heartedly. Does it help to remember MY marathon time of 6:40??? :)

    I think you need a few days, as you said. But I also think you need a small hobby that is less time-consuming and with quicker results. IN ADDITION TO running. I have been trying to look at my original time as something to beat...as opposed to my first half marathon which appears to be my PR for life! :) You cannot correct when you don't know where the problem lies...and I eel like, from your comments, you know what happened to slow you down in this "race".

    Please don't forget. It was TWENTY SIX miles. And then some! I don't even enjoy driving 26 miles. If I was craving a burger and the closest one was 26 miles away, I would just eat whatever I had on hand! If someone was stranded and needed my help and they were 26 miles away, I would probably call them a cab or something! Hahaha.

    I can't even believe how much money you raised for St. Jude. That is downright awesome.

  3. You did something amazing this weekend, and don't let anything take it away. Not someone else and certainly not you.

    Do you ever stop to think about whether you could be the one people are comparing themselves to? Think about how Sharon felt when you edged her out at the race the other week. Maybe she thought, "What if I had one last gear?" And I'll be honest: It KILLED me when you passed me at F4F. I so wanted to break 32 and you were going to run easy and still beat me. But it did me no good to compare because I did the best with what the day and my body gave me. There's no reason to go crazy to give into the temptation to compare.

  4. Thank you all for your kind posts.
    Shelley - I wish I could go back and cross that finish line again and soak it all in. At the time, all I could think about was my disappointment... and thats probably my biggest regret! Trying to live and learn!

    Audrey - I know my time wasn't terrible but I trained really hard. And per my training should have been capable of SO much more. But, I can't have a re-do, so I am just looking ahead to my next one when I can hopefully prove what I am capable of! :) You are going to kick butt at Blue Ridge this year, and heck, even last year your time was amazing considering the elevation gains and you didn't really do a complete training program! :) You are right on with the hobby thing, I am working on it! :)

    Kim - Thank you for your thought provoking post. I hadn't ever thought of it that way... I have never in my life been GOOD at anything other than school (and even then, I wasn't at the top of the class). So, I don't see myself as the one people would be competing with. Its crazy because I know I am competitive in my age group, but for some reason I can't consider that I might be someone people compare themselves to. Truly, thank you for putting that into perspective for me.

  5. I agree with the above comments. You trained hard and you did the best that you could. With every race you always give the most you can give and do the best you can with the cards you are dealt that day. You raised more for St. Jude than most people will ever raise for a charity in their entire life and your finish time is great especially for your first marathon. If you think your body is up for it and you really want a redemption race then go ahead and sign up for another full in the spring if there's a particular time goal that you are shooting for.

  6. Jenn, You accomplished something amazing! Not only did you finish a marathon but you raised money for sick children who are grateful to have advocates such as you. Will it really matter years down the road what your time was? Probably not, but what will matter is that the money you raised may have helped prolong the life of a sick child so that they may see another Christmas or another birthday. I disagree with you when you say that anyone can walk 26.2 miles. Not everyone can. Children suffering from life threatening diseases such as those at St. Jude's rely on people like you to walk for them since they are unable to. Even though you feel that you failed yourself, you have not failed them. And I would bet that your family, especially your daughter, see you as a hero. Remember that a little competition is healthy but too much can be detrimental. I agree with Audrey, I think finding another hobby to complement your running would be a healthy outlet for you. Don't let running and PR's dominate your life and bring you down. Relish your accomplishemnt, because it is a great one!