Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Coming out of hiding.

Disclaimer:  This post has nothing to do with running, this is my attempt at self therapy.  Thinking through and writing down my thoughts.  Feel free to skip over these posts, they are mostly for myself. 

Day 2... I never thought I would consider plastic surgery.  Yet, here I am seriously considering it - wishing that insurance would cover the costs.  I don't know how I would make it work logistically - I mean, who would take care of my kids and how could I stop running that long?  But, at the same time I dream of having a normal body for once in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to be where I am now compared to where I was a couple years ago.  The extra skin though is not only a pain when buying clothes and running, but its also like a weight pulling down on my soul.  Reminding me of the weight, reminding me that I am the only one to blame for the damage I did to my body.

For years, I hid behind my weight.  When I was "the fat girl" I had it as an excuse for missing out on life, an excuse for being unhappy.  If I didn't have any friends, it was because I was too fat.  I wasn't thin enough to be one of the cool kids.  I never had to look any further than that.  It was hurtful yes, but it was okay because it was always something that I could blame on circumstances outside of my control.  Yes, I realize I was obese because of my decisions, but at the time I didn't see it that way.  I blamed my genetics, I blamed everyone but myself. 

Now that I have shed that weight and lost friends along the way, I had the "shocking" revelation that its not the weight that keeps me from having friends, its ME.  I am sure I have many annoying habits, I annoy the crap out of myself, so I can only imagine that I drive other people crazy as well. I can truly tell you that I would likely lay down my life if necessary for any of my friends.  I expect the same from them, and even though I have alot of friends who are there for me, there are very few people who develop that level of commitment to friendships.  I think my deep devotion stems back to my un-diagnosed OCD, when I do something, I give it everything that I have.  I don't know how to be a "casual" friend.  The truth is that intensity is often too much for alot of people.  

I want to be that devoted to all of my friends.  The biggest issue for me right now is that due to the journey I have been on, I have lost most of those who I called friends since I moved to Fort Wayne.  Mostly, its my fault, I have changed.... I have different priorities in my life.  I have to run and workout on a regular basis.  I have to live a pretty healthy lifestyle.  The only way to continue this lifestyle is to sort of mold myself into someone new.  Running and healthy living are a HUGE part of my life.  I don't have the free time I used to, I am a different person.   My whole life I have been the person who put everyone else's needs first, but the journey to emotional and physical health has required me to put myself first.  It's a balancing act that I struggle with on a daily basis, but in the end I would give my last dollar to a friend, I would be their shoulder, I would do anything for a friend.  That's a part of who I am, it always has been, and it always will be. 

The solution to my lack of friends would seem so simple... Jennifer, go out and make NEW friends, go find people who have common interests.  Yep, it should be so simple.  The problem?  I have absolutely no sense of self-worth.  I don't want to listen to myself talk, why would anyone else care what I am talking about?  Why would anyone possibly care about what I am doing, what I have to say.  Spending time around anyone (and I do mean ANYONE) makes me paranoid that when I leave that I become the target of gossip.   I don't know how to get past that insecurity enough to be able to honestly and fully put myself out there to make new friends.   

It seems ridiculous and impossible that things could feel so much more hopeless now that I am pretty much at my goal weight.  I should be out celebrating my successes, instead I often find myself sitting alone in my house wondering what the point really is.  I guess it just goes to show that a weight-loss journey is often times NOT just a physical journey, it is an emotional one as well.   

For today, I find myself listening to sad songs on youtube and watching my kids praying for that childlike happiness and peace.  I can do this, I have to do this.  I have to be better for my kids, for Tommy, and for those people who have loved and supported me along the way. 

I may seem miserable, but your presence in my life makes it worthwhile so please don't give up on me.  You know who you are... 


  1. Do you realize that you are not alone in these feelings? I've dealt with depression since I was a very young child. I have no shame in saying that I am on medication for it, I have been for about 19 years and I can say that without it I have a hard time living life. While it's not for everyone, there are things that you can do to help these feelings.

    While I have found that therapy or counseling doesn't work for me, it might be something that you want to consider. Talking through these issues with someone that is unbiased and can give you a different point of view might help.

    No one ever said life was easy and for some of us it's even harder than for others. I hope that you can get past some of these feelings and find the peace you are looking for.

  2. Amanda - thanks for the post. I appreciate the support. I am sure it may not seem like it from my most recent post, but I am working my way out of it... hoping I am doing it right this time so its not an issue in the future.

  3. Sweet Jenn, I have too much to say to post it all here. I just wanted to virtually hug you and tell you I completely understand. I have been there, will likely be there again...it will be ok. Promise. Xoxoxoxo. :)

  4. Jenn-Thoughts and prayers headed your way! I hope you continue to work your way out of this. If you think there's anything I can do for you please don't hesitate to ask!

  5. Thanks so much, feeling quite a bit better! :)