Tuesday, March 27, 2012

That blog entry that makes no sense...

Validation.  Approval.  Acceptance. No matter what term you use, its part of what has motivated me for years.  It's not healthy, and I definitely know that.  Typically I lose the internal battle to say "who cares?" and end up paralyzed by the fear of not being good enough.

My husband was my first boyfriend, but like everyone I had plenty of "crushes" growing up.  I always had a thing for football players, and I often harbored a crush on my closest guy friends.  Is it normal for me to still wonder why I wasn't good enough to catch the eye of any of those boys who interested me along the way?   Admittedly I didn't typically come clean about those feelings, but I remember the two times I have it didn't go well.  I was rejected and then felt that I had made myself weak and powerless by admitting my feelings.

That's not saying that I would go back and change history, but I know deep down that never being noticed all those years ago is part of why I lack self-esteem.   I never dated in high school, there were never any boys interested in me.  I went to school, studied hard, worked, and swam.  I had friends, but I didn't do a whole lot if socializing outside of school hours.  While it was exactly what I wanted, I sometimes wonder if I missed out by focusing so much on my future.

After all, I got the college degree I so badly wanted.  It doesn't make me any better than anyone else, I'm not working.  What good was it really?  Of course, then I realize if I hadn't gone to college I most certainly would not have met Tommy.  And I wouldn't have my kiddos - and they are my everything.  I guess everything happens for a reason.  I just wish I could stop second guessing things and just be happy and 100% content.

I think as a stay at home mom I have way too much time to think about stuff that I shouldn't be spending any time on.  I don't think that working will be a "cure all" but I definitely think that going back to work will help me be a happier, and better person.   In a few more years we will test out that theory.

I just hope that someday I will have the confidence to walk into a room and not wonder what negative things people are thinking/saying about me.  I long for the day when I no longer need external approval, validation and acceptance.

My goal for now... let go of the past.  Let go of those who didn't value me enough to give me a chance.  Let go of the pain and embrace my blessings.


3 comments:

  1. Amen, sistah. ;)

    One day we will meet up and have a cup of coffee (or glass of wine)....or 6 of either...

    xoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. While the past helped to shape you, it does not define you. Let those experiences go and remember them for what they were experiences you had. Embrace what you have now and what you are now and where you want to head.

    ReplyDelete