Monday, March 19, 2012

Taking time to rebuild.

Okay my bloggy friends... I am going to be absent for a while most likely unless I find that blogging can become therapeutic for me.  Some of you may know I have battled with depression for most of my life, never medicated.  I typically go through lulls a few times a year where I get pretty blue.  I always thought my weight was the primary cause - that if I lost weight I would stop having those moments of feeling like I wasn't enough.  Unfortunately, I am finding that not only is weight loss not the answer, it seems to have made it worse for me.

I can't believe I truly thought that losing the weight would make it all go away.  I started this journey to get healthy for my kids and to be a better mother to them.  Somewhere along the line I started gaining a bit of confidence and thought "wow, wouldn't it be great if losing all this weight finally makes me happy with who I am."  Who am I kidding... its probably quite the opposite.  The weight is probably a side effect of my depression and lack of self worth over the years.  Those who knew me when I was younger might be shocked to hear of my lack of self-worth and self esteem.  It's always been there, but in my college years it became much more overwhelming for me.

Every conversation that I have with someone (anyone) repeats over in my head (that's my un-diagnosed OCD kicking in there).  I think of all the ways that I could have offended someone, or all the things that I should have said.  The things I shouldn't have.  The things that they said that I may have taken the wrong way.  In my head, I am always able to find a way to convince myself that they want me to go be gone.  In my head, I don't provide anything that other people need.  I don't feel like I can contribute expertise to conversations.  I'm not great at anything, I am good at being average.  I guess average should be good enough, but I want to excel at something.  I want to feel like I have a strength that makes me irreplaceable.  I don't feel like that.

I am constantly questioning who I am and where I am in my life.  My only reassurance some days that I wouldn't change where I am is my kids.  I love my kids with every fiber of my being.  Without them, I don't know how I would get up some days.  I feel like they are my blessing, not sure what I did to deserve such special gifts - but they are my sun when everything else seems dark.    They are the only people that I feel like I know love my unconditionally.  They don't see all my flaws, I am all they know.  They don't know that I am not as creative as others, that I lose my cool easier, that I am taking too much time for myself with regards to my running.

The first step to healing is admitting our weaknesses, right?  So here goes... my (probably partial) list of sins.
 1.  I am always wondering if the grass is greener on the other side rather than appreciating what I have.
 2.  I have a hard time concentrating on the gift of today, if I am not planning for something in the future I feel useless.
3.  I am too competitive - someone is always prettier, thinner, a better mother, a better listener, a better wife, a better runner, a better friend.   I wish I could stop comparing myself to others because someone will ALWAYS be better than me at something.
4.  I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry.  I am disgusted by my body.  I can name at least six things I would change about my body.  My body image is severely screwed up and I know it.
5.  I have a hard time letting go of things.  I don't like people not liking me.  I don't like feeling like I was replaced.  I logically know that some people are here for a lifetime and some for a season, but I can't help but feel like a failure when someone decides they don't want to be friends anymore.
6.  I am afraid of the label of "depression."  In our society, its a dirty word.  Getting help can even increase your costs for life insurance.
7.  I over-analyze everything.
8.  I am never happy with what I have accomplished, I always feel like I could have done more/better.

I realize that I may lose some followers over this post, but for me this blog is about the journey I am on to a healthy me.  Now that I am mostly there weight wise (still need to lose 15-20 pounds ideally), its time to get serious about my emotional health.  This is my first step.

I am not posting this looking for people to post comments to boost me up so I am going to disable commenting on this post.   I don't want anyone to worry - this post may seem hopeless, like I am drowning, but honestly it feels good to get it out there.  I am ready to start healing - it will be a long road, but the only way to live a full life is to somehow learn that I do have value.  I will post as I find the need, but it may be sporadic for a while.    I have a perfectly timed trip down to see my family in less than two weeks, I have a feeling that will be a very healing time for me.

Thank you for those of you who have been in my life, those of you who put up with my mood swings, those of you who love me regardless... you know who you are.  I promise, someday I will see the person you see.