Thursday, August 4, 2011

Clarity is in the Shadow?

First, weekly weigh-in time! Luckily, I finally shed the weight from my weekend of indulgence with my good friend.

Week 43: Down 2.4 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 122.8 pounds
Left to goal: 8.8 pounds

Just to summarize my running since my last post: I ran 2.5 miles yesterday morning alone and then 4.5 before/after my half marathon class. I LOVE these runs with other people, especially "L." "L" is a blast and a half, she has me laughing most of the time and its a great way to take my mind off of the monotony and sometimes pain.

I think I may have figured out my shirt saying for warrior dash, now I just need suggestions on potential tweaks of wording and a color for the shirt. To summarize I will be wearing a black running skirt and a light olive green bondiband. I would LOVE to wear something bright and fun, but what color would coordinate with the olive green? Would love to add pizazz to the back, is there a more fun way to say what its saying? And, last questions... should I keep the weight loss mentioned on the front or move it to the back? And, should I keep the wording as is or switch it to "123 pounds lost"?

Now, onto the real subject of this blog - struggling with negative body image. Let me start off by saying that I am SO proud of everything that I have accomplished. I know it is a HUGE deal to lose 120+ pounds, I know I am healthier for it, and yes I feel a lot better overall than I did before (minus the fatigue, aches, and pain involved with training for a half marathon). Let me be honest though, I am 28 and I do care how I look. While my weight loss was not totally about looking better, it has played a part in it of course. I am now under 9 pounds away from my goal and I hate the way my body looks, and truthfully, I am sure it won't look any better if/when I reach my goal. It's frustrating that I have worked so hard to get to where I want to be and my body just will never look like I want it to. When I look in the mirror I either see my old body at 307 pounds and a size 24, or a *slightly* smaller body with lots of loose flabby skin. I had a realization last night running with "L" from my half marathon class. I said to her "I wish I saw in the mirror what I see when I look at my shadow while running." Her response was, "that's what I see." It's funny to me that I can look at my shadow on the ground and see what looks to me like an athletic (albeit not super skinny) figure, but I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. I wish I had the clarity in the mirror that I see when I look at my shadow. All the work I have been putting in physically is not going to be enough to kick the fat girl out of my vision. Somehow, I have to get inside my head and learn to accept myself as I am now. As my good friend told me this weekend "Jenn, its okay, they are battle scars." We all have them, I just have to learn to embrace mine and realize that those battle scars are there to always remind me why I have worked so hard to get to where I am now.

For those of you who have struggled with body image issues, how do you cope? How do you deal with those feelings of negativity?


  1. Great post!!!!!

    Pink, red, light blue all match olive green.

    I think you should add your blog address to your shirt!!!! Be proud - it's a great blog and it's a great way to further share your journey and accomplishments!!!

    LOVE LOVE LOVE running with you!!! I'm sorry it's slow, but I'm glad you're willing to join me!

    Thanks for your comment on my blog - meant the most - you give quite the pep talk!!! Thanks! Now you are so going to kick some warrior dash booty!!!!

  2. Jenn- I Know what you are going through, you still see yourself the way you used to be when you look in the mirror. I went through this myself and sometimes still do. We just have to remind ourselves how far we have come and sometimes it helps to take a look at old pictures or old clothes...

    by the way I love your blog and I am proud of how far you have come