First, weekly weigh-in time! Luckily, I finally shed the weight from my weekend of indulgence with my good friend.
Week 43: Down 2.4 pounds
Total Weight Lost: 122.8 pounds
Left to goal: 8.8 pounds
Just to summarize my running since my last post: I ran 2.5 miles yesterday morning alone and then 4.5 before/after my half marathon class. I LOVE these runs with other people, especially "L." "L" is a blast and a half, she has me laughing most of the time and its a great way to take my mind off of the monotony and sometimes pain.
I think I may have figured out my shirt saying for warrior dash, now I just need suggestions on potential tweaks of wording and a color for the shirt. To summarize I will be wearing a black running skirt and a light olive green bondiband. I would LOVE to wear something bright and fun, but what color would coordinate with the olive green? Would love to add pizazz to the back, is there a more fun way to say what its saying? And, last questions... should I keep the weight loss mentioned on the front or move it to the back? And, should I keep the wording as is or switch it to "123 pounds lost"?
Now, onto the real subject of this blog - struggling with negative body image. Let me start off by saying that I am SO proud of everything that I have accomplished. I know it is a HUGE deal to lose 120+ pounds, I know I am healthier for it, and yes I feel a lot better overall than I did before (minus the fatigue, aches, and pain involved with training for a half marathon). Let me be honest though, I am 28 and I do care how I look. While my weight loss was not totally about looking better, it has played a part in it of course. I am now under 9 pounds away from my goal and I hate the way my body looks, and truthfully, I am sure it won't look any better if/when I reach my goal. It's frustrating that I have worked so hard to get to where I want to be and my body just will never look like I want it to. When I look in the mirror I either see my old body at 307 pounds and a size 24, or a *slightly* smaller body with lots of loose flabby skin. I had a realization last night running with "L" from my half marathon class. I said to her "I wish I saw in the mirror what I see when I look at my shadow while running." Her response was, "that's what I see." It's funny to me that I can look at my shadow on the ground and see what looks to me like an athletic (albeit not super skinny) figure, but I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. I wish I had the clarity in the mirror that I see when I look at my shadow. All the work I have been putting in physically is not going to be enough to kick the fat girl out of my vision. Somehow, I have to get inside my head and learn to accept myself as I am now. As my good friend told me this weekend "Jenn, its okay, they are battle scars." We all have them, I just have to learn to embrace mine and realize that those battle scars are there to always remind me why I have worked so hard to get to where I am now.
For those of you who have struggled with body image issues, how do you cope? How do you deal with those feelings of negativity?