Monday, December 12, 2011


This post is not going to be running related and most won't even be related to health.  I hope you all can forgive me for the off topic posting.

The holidays are always really difficult for me, while I LOVE my little family I miss my parents and my sister.  Growing up as an "army brat" we traveled a lot and we weren't around our extended family most of the time.  We had each other.  Now that I am an adult with my own family, we live over 9 hours away from my family.  We can't be together for the holidays and its really hard.  It doesn't feel right to celebrate without them.  I realize I sound like I am being a child, but I really don't know how to celebrate when all I want for Christmas is to be with my parents and sister.  Of course I would like to create my own traditions with my kids, but unlike most people we can't do Christmas at our house in the morning and go to the parents' homes in the afternoon.  And, even the option of doing Christmas another weekend doesn't work well because its just not practical to spend two days in the car for a one day visit.

I feel like I am drowning.  I struggle with depression and insecurities on a daily basis anyways, and when you add the holiday stuff to it, it becomes almost more than I can handle.  I haven't spoken much about my friends on my blog and there is a good reason for it... I don't have many.  While there are people that I used to hang out with, something happened and things just haven't been the same since.  I miss them and our time together, but I just don't know how to go about "fixing" things.  Mainly because I don't know what truly happened to begin with. I have a few running friends that I met through my running class and I am so grateful for them.  Unfortunately, they don't live local so I don't get to see them often.  And, as much as I love online friends, its just not quite the same thing as having someone to go to lunch with, its not the same level of interaction.

Despite the depression I have always felt, I have never felt the way I do right now - I feel like the girl no one wants to be friends with.  I know so much of this is my own internal feelings but I don't know how to get around those feelings.  And, when you are feeling that way its really hard to put yourself out there and try to meet new people and make new friends.  I feel like I spend most of my time hiding in my house and reading blogs so that I don't have to deal with the loneliness I feel on a daily basis.   I know that the most logical recommendation would be anti-depressants,  but I don't want to depend on them.   I manage my depression very well 90% of the time, I don't want to take drugs 100% of the time for the 10% of the time that I struggle.

Of course, because of all the feelings of self doubt and loneliness I have fallen off the wagon as far as my weight loss and such goes.  I am still taking part in the running streak, but I am not doing as much as I should be doing - I am squeaking by with the bare minimum.  I am eating more than I should, I am eating for comfort and not making the best choices.  I haven't stepped on my scale in almost a week because I am afraid of what it will say.  Its a battle to convince myself to get out the door for a run, I typically feel better once I am out there.  But, that first step out the door has gotten almost impossibly difficult.   And, because I am struggling on this front, it makes me even more depressed so I eat even more.  Stupid never ending cycle.

Luckily, my clothes are still fitting so I don't think I have gained that much, but my body is feeling different.  I am feeling out of shape.  My stomach hurts almost all the time because of the junk I am putting in my body.  I am praying for the strength to turn things around this week.  I don't want to feel sick because of my food choices.  I don't want to feel like a failure for not getting in proper workouts.  I just want to get out there and get moving to hopefully get past this rough patch I am in right now.

On a positive note, I should be completely done with Christmas shopping today!  I am super excited about that because after going out this weekend I don't think I could stand trying to get the shopping done now.  The  stores were all a crazy mess!  If I could I would avoid even grocery shopping for the next two weeks, but unfortunately I can't do that!

I am not looking for pity or anything, but I could use prayers of strength this week.  Thank you all for sticking with me even though I am not a reliable blogger.  I am trying to get better and hope to recap my time since Thanksgiving (including two races) in the next few days.  I hope you all have a fabulous week!

ETA:  Anyone have any tips on how to battle the holiday/winter blues?


  1. You know, I think everyone goes through these times that are harder than normal. We over analyze our life. Mine was last week actually...and I call it my 6 month review. I seem to go through it every 6 months that I swear I need a pill to get me out of the slump. Eventually, about a week later, I am out of it and feeling 100% better and almost refreshed when it comes to my thoughts. If it makes you feel any better, I live where I grew up and still have very few friends. Some of it is my choice and some of it isn't. I find that friends are so conditional on their friendship that it hurts me more to have them sometimes. I stick close with my little family and try to enjoy what I do have with them. They are who will always be there for me anyway.

  2. I missed this post while I was sick in bed. My teammates were talking about it this weekend. I'm sorry I missed it. I hope you're feeling a little happier. Being away from friends is HARD. Been there and done that and had depression as a result when I lived in VA! I wish I lived closer . . . and ran faster then we could so see each other more often. Hang in there girl - you'll find your way. Hugs!